Review – Piranha 3D – Gratuitous T&A – Teeth & Assault! Tongue-in-Cheek and good fun.

The fish are biting in Lake Victoria this summer.

The first time I went to see a movie entirely in 3D, it was another gore film called “My Bloody Valentine 3D”. I went into that movie with realistic expectations- corny acting, some gore, and the use of 3D to spice up (or slice up) a few scenes. Those expectations were met. With “Piranha 3D” my expectations were slightly higher, and they were exceeded.

Let’s be clear: Piranha 3D is not going to win any awards for best screenplay, best acting, or anything else probably. It is cheesy, it is gratuitous, and it is ridiculously outrageous…

And that is EXACTLY why Piranha 3D is a winner.

The movie takes place on fictictious Lake Victoria in Arizona, home of the Sandrats, and it is the biggest week of the year for the small community. It is Spring Break, which means the lake is overrun with alcohol-fueled, sex-crazed college students who have shed their inhibitions, their responsibilities, and their clothes. Wet T-shirt contests, beer bongs, gorilla juice heads, and DJs aplenty turn this normally quiet town into Douche-a-palooza for a week.

A bittersweet cameo by Richard Dreyfuss kicks off this underwater thrillride. Fishing in his small boat, drinking a cold one, and singing old sailor songs, Matt Hooper (Dreyfuss) has just caught a fish, and it’s a fast fish. After a brief battle, Hooper reels the fish in. Harmless, until his bottle of beer falls off the side of the boat and slowly makes its way down to the lake’s floor.
An excellent advertisement for boat safely, namely don’t drink and boat, the beer bottle hitting the ground sets off an underwater tremor that sends Hooper (and his boat) into a maelstrom. Don’t worry, though, the boat and Hooper don’t get swallowed up by the current. I’ll leave it at that.

This seismic activity commands the attention of the scientific community, and divers are sent to Lake Victoria to examine the newly discovered underwater caverns. Usually it’s a boring job, but these divers soon discover that this particular dive is like none they have ever endeavored, and like none they will again. The Sheriff (Shue), a single mother of 3, is immediately concerned for the well being of everyone partying just a few minutes north of them.
Meanwhile, her son Jake (McQueen) is picking up his young sister from trombone lessons, and finds his sister talking to Danni (Kelly Brook), who is a “Wild Wild Girl”, employed by Jerry O’Connell’s character Derrick Jones, who resembles someone you are probably already familiar with if you know anything about girls that are wild.
Derrick, always the capitalistic opportunist, jumps at the chance of having a real local show them around the lake for the best “money shots”. Jake unfortunately has to babysit his sister and brother, but some hush money allows him to take the job while the kids stay home alone. Nothing but good can from the scenario that has just been set up, right? Riiiiight.

Jake, it is worth mentioning, is a pretty clean cut kid who has a crush on a local girl, Kelly, played by Jessica Szhor. I thought she had a great tan, but it turns out she’s actually Hungarian and African-American. Anyway, a chance encounter while Jake is boarding Derrick’s “Barracuda” boat has Kelly becoming the “innocence” aboard the boat that Derrick and his girls (Kelly Brook and Riley Steele) are more than happy to corrupt.
The Barracuda departs after a dancing session with Danni and Crystal (Steele), and their succumbing to the sophomoric chants of “Motorboat!”.
Good timing, because the sheriff, her deput (Ving Rhames), the scientists, and local police are en route to warn the spring breakers of the danger that is swimming their way. There is a scene between this, but I don’t want to ruin it for you. All I can say is, “Great Scott!”.
Now, the plot is set:
Hundreds of college kids are partying hard in a lake that has split open, unleashing a school of piranhas that seem to have evolved so much over the past few million years that it is almost as if they produce their own amphetamines. Meanwhile, 2 young children are playing, unattended, in and around said lake while their older brother and his crush are on a boat with strangers that want to do nothing more than drink, snort cocaine, get naked, and get on camera.
In my opinion, Jerry O’Connell makes this movie for me. Some critics argued that he was a poor choice for the character, saying he’s too nice for such a creeper role. If you ask me, he was the perfect choice because he seems too nice. His character, which now may be inspiring lawsuits, has to be nice in a “I just put GHB in your drink while complimenting your smile” kinda way.

I give this movie a B- because it could have used a bit more of the 3D to really shock and spook the audience. In its defense, there were some good underwater scenes in 3D (a few that will appeal to some more than others).

The best part about the gore is the way the “attack scenes” were different each time, some more clever than others, yet we can be shocked by the carnage while laughing at how outlandish it is. Isn’t escaping from reality the reason we go to the movies? With Piranha 3D, we escape without the use of sedatives or dreams within dreams. We escape with a tried and true formula that if you are just the right amount of cheesy, the right amount of funny, the right amount of sexual, and the right amount of gruesome, the audience will eat it up like piranhas at a wet t-shirt contest. I’ll leave that as the last word. Wet T-Shirt.

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